As if Tesco didn’t earn enough money to start with. I’d like to think that I’m not alone when I don’t even comprehend what exactly you have to do to misidentify profits to the tune of a quarter of a billion pounds but I think it’s some kind of masterclass that id-iom needs to be taking a part of. Anyway, we racked our brains to see if we could possibly imagine what kind of fantastic device you would use to achieve such extravagant imaginary profits and here is the kind of apparatus I envisaged they were using at Tesco HQ to pump those profits up like a balloon. Like it says on the packaging:
“Please remember that overinflated profits can lead to the auditors being called in. People may get sacked and your business may be at risk”
If you’ve ever wondered what happens when id-iom have a little time on their hands then look no further. We’re very pleased to announce our latest video collaboration. We’ve partnered with infamous intergalactic chef and sometime bounty hunter Bhuna Fett to produce this ‘Cooking with Bhuna Fett’ infomercial on behalf of Tesco’s and their new range of Bantha Milk.
We had to do an incredible amount of wrangling to get Bhuna Fett to agree to feature in our video. The amount of brown envelopes stuffed with galactic standard credits was incredible but then again what do you expect from a part time bounty hunter. After we’d paid Bhuna off we only had a 30 mins window in order to get all the footage we needed as he had some other urgent business to take care of.
So here it is. What you didn’t know you’d been waiting for…
There I was having a flick through today’s print copy of Time Out and what do I find at the bottom of one of the first pages you come across? This little beauty. A nice little feature on some of the pop culture based subversions that we’ve been depositing in our local shops. Surely that means fame and fortune will be knocking on our door some time soon. Oh wait, who’s that ringing my bell….
No, it was just the neighbour demanding I turn the music down. I could barely hear him shouting over the smooth sounds of Nana Mouskouri. He really needs to calm down a bit.
If you’ve ever seen David Lynch’s 1984 film Dune (based on Frank Herbert’s 1965 novel of the same name) then you probably already know what Melange ‘spice’ is. In the film it’s a drug that has some particularly useful effects and one big downside. It gives the user a longer life span, greater vitaility, heightened awareness and psychic powers. Which is handy as it makes safe and accurate interstellar travel possible. The downside however is that it is addictive and withdrawal is fatal. All this has conspired to make it the most valuable commodity in the universe.
Never one to miss a trick Tesco’s have made a couple of intergalactic deals and got their hands on some of the good stuff. It’s harvested by hand on the desert planet Arrakis from the excretions of the highly dangerous giant sandworm. Tesco’s then ship it to earth and package it up in their Finest range for just under £100 for 4g. A bargain to be sure. Get it while it lasts…
With the modest success of a few of our supermarket subversions recently my brain seems to have jumped onto the whole fake ad/culture jamming bandwagon and now it seems I can’t go to the shop without coming up with some new form of contrived nonsense. And today’s offering is a pretty good case in point.
A long time ago in a galaxy far away I was strutting the aisles of my local supermarket trying to locate something they undoubtedly didn’t have when my eye chances upon the full fat milk with the blue lid. And that was all I needed to connect blue and milk and come up with the blue milk from Star Wars called bantha milk. We even see Luke Skywalker pour himself a glass in Star Wars whilst he’s living with his aunt and uncle at their moisture farm in Tatooine.
That was all I needed in the way of a plan so went home and set to work. A couple of parsecs later and I had my label good to go – complete with interview with their sand person dairy farmer on Tatooine. All that was then required was a bottle of milk, some blue food dye and a fake price label and I was good to go.
I can already see the print and TV advertising that would go alongside this new miracle food with a tag line along the lines of “With a few glasses of semi-skimmed bantha in you a day you’ll be strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark in no time.” In fact, that’s given me an idea…
Living in a world where everybody hears but nobody’s listening – on tube
One of the contradictions of living in today’s frenetically paced, socially connected world is that there are so many effective means to make yourself heard and so many millions of potential people to hear it that it’s hard to believe your profound statements regarding your dinner or the customer service department of whatever business you’re dealing with won’t be the talk of the nation. But they won’t. Unless you’re a celebrity however, then the opposite holds true and any crumb of information, no matter how trivial, is devoured like manna from heaven and shared around other eager acolytes. But you’re never going to reach those heady heights.
Instead, you will be resolutely ignored. Which is why I thought the humble house cat was a good graphical representation of this. It can surely hear you (unless it’s deaf) but will pay scant attention unless there’s an offer of food on the table. Quite what i’m trying to say here is not entirely clear, even to me, but I’ll leave it all in your capable hands to decipher…
As an aside we really took this one next level as we didn’t even put it on the tube ourselves. This was deposited by one of our street team. You know you’ve made it when you don’t even have to do it yourself. Cheers Leander!
Bemoaning the lack of affordable local child care seems to be something of a popular pastime for many of the young mums I know so I’m glad to see that the local council has decided to do something about it. They’ve had a multi-departmental brainstorming session and the self service child minder units are their experimental outcome. Simply deposit your child in one of the marked units and then retrieve them after work. It’s as simple as that. And it’s free. Although it should be noted that overnight stays are prohibited. I, for one, applaud this brave new move in domestic frugality…
With the advent of legal cannabis in some US states and the legalise bandwagon gaining momentum in other a few other places internationally I thought I’d look ahead to a time when the UK has followed suit and id-iom have managed to get themselves a combined gallery/studio space/coffeeshop in London’s bustling West End.
In order to market to our new found clientele we’d need some handy marketing materials – which is where our little infographic cards would come in pretty handy. It’s an illustrated guide for beginners on how to go about crafting a small joint. On the reverse are a selection of id-iom approved advertisements which we hope would be of interest to our prospective patrons. There, I’ve got it all sorted – apart from what to actually do with them. I was initially thinking of getting them into the little pockets on the backs of airline seats but I only ever seem to travel Ryanair and they’ve removed the pockets. The cheap feckers.
If anyone can think of something fun we can do with them please do drop us a line as I can’t currently think of a suitable use for them. Which probably begs the question of why I created them in the first place but that’s not really for me to answer right now.
After being dispatched to our local corner shop to procure some Le Puy lentils for that evening’s curry I had reason to examine the dizzying array of canned food on offer in our local corner shop. Along with all the usual products they also have some particular goods that cater to the local Caribbean, Polish and Portuguese communities. It’s sometimes tricky to tell what some of the more exotic looking cans even contain. And that gave me an idea.
The 1973 film ‘Soylent Green’ starring Charlton Heston is set in a dystopian future where the earth is hugely overpopulated and there just isn’t enough food to go round. To try and solve this problem the Soylent corporation comes up with a new foodstuff called ‘Soylent Green’ which is ostensibly made from high energy plankton harvested from the world’s oceans. But that is not so, as we discover through Heston’s diligent detective work following a murder. He stumbles upon a bizarre state secret – that Soylent Green is made of people!
So, to celebrate both the incomprehensible range of cans on offer in our local shop and the 1973 film I came up with some Soylent Green cans for our local shop – complete with ingredients, nutrition information and cooking instructions. An internet search revealed that Polynesian cannibals used to call human flesh ‘longpig’ so I definitely had to include that (23% of the contents don’t you know!)
As seems to happen a couple of times a week I was aimlessly wandering the aisles of my local supermarket searching for an ingredient they undoubtedly didn’t have. I was feeling a little dispirited and glanced at the new wine description they’d put up for JP Chenet. Seeing the halfhearted description made me want to cry a little so I thought I’d see if I could jazz it up somewhat.
With it tasting like bitter clowns tears with a hint of suspicion it’s not one for the light hearted but start playing some trouser jazz through your phone’s tinny speakers, turn it up and sit back against the nearest bit of street furniture and you’ll soon be seeing the world through different eyes. Go on, give it a try…