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Let every man praise the bridge that carries him over

Let every man praise the bridge that carries him over – now on eBay

It’s funny what you find when you’re tidying up. Today I came across a file which had a load of stuff I thought we’d already sold in it. Now I’m going to remedy that so here’s the the ebay link

First up we have ‘Let every man praise the bridge that carries him over’ which is an old English proverb as far as I can tell. In this case the bridge in question is an unusual woman/bridge hybrid and has carried him from one side of Antartica to the other. Now whilst this bridge may not appear entirely practical it still lets you traverse from one side of a continent to the other, which is certainly something considering how much capital building projects of this size tend to cost. Although saying that it’s not exactly apparent how you are meant to disembark from the bridge when you reach her face. It would seem perhaps some kind of nose ladder would possibly be in order. Either that or i’ve mixed my metaphors entirely and was trying to get across the notion that ‘behind every great man is a great woman’. I’m not entirely sure myself…

It consists of some stencils, a bit of screen printing, some paint and some ink on an old National Geographic map of Antartica. She measures a wall friendly 62 cm x 48 cm and would look lovely once framed. It’s signed on the reverse.

Cheers

id-iom

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Tesco Value Profit Inflator

Tesco Value Profit Inflator – in store now!

Tesco Value Profit Inflator – bag label

Tesco Value Profit Inflator instructions

As if Tesco didn’t earn enough money to start with. I’d like to think that I’m not alone when I don’t even comprehend what exactly you have to do to misidentify profits to the tune of a quarter of a billion pounds but I think it’s some kind of masterclass that id-iom needs to be taking a part of. Anyway, we racked our brains to see if we could possibly imagine what kind of fantastic device you would use to achieve such extravagant imaginary profits and here is the kind of apparatus I envisaged they were using at Tesco HQ to pump those profits up like a balloon. Like it says on the packaging:

“Please remember that overinflated profits can lead to the auditors being called in. People may get sacked and your business may be at risk”

You have been warned. Please use responsibly.

Cheers

id-iom

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id-iom does Time Out

There I was having a flick through today’s print copy of Time Out and what do I find at the bottom of one of the first pages you come across? This little beauty. A nice little feature on some of the pop culture based subversions that we’ve been depositing in our local shops. Surely that means fame and fortune will be knocking on our door some time soon. Oh wait, who’s that ringing my bell….

No, it was just the neighbour demanding I turn the music down. I could barely hear him shouting over the smooth sounds of Nana Mouskouri. He really needs to calm down a bit.

Cheers

id-iom

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Tesco’s Finest ‘spice’ – in store now!

Tesco’s Finest ‘spice’ Melange – in store now!

Tesco’s Finest ‘spice’ Melange label

If you’ve ever seen David Lynch’s 1984 film Dune (based on Frank Herbert’s 1965 novel of the same name) then you probably already know what Melange ‘spice’ is. In the film it’s a drug that has some particularly useful effects and one big downside. It gives the user a longer life span, greater vitaility, heightened awareness and psychic powers. Which is handy as it makes safe and accurate interstellar travel possible. The downside however is that it is addictive and withdrawal is fatal. All this has conspired to make it the most valuable commodity in the universe.

Never one to miss a trick Tesco’s have made a couple of intergalactic deals and got their hands on some of the good stuff. It’s harvested by hand on the desert planet Arrakis from the excretions of the highly dangerous giant sandworm. Tesco’s then ship it to earth and package it up in their Finest range for just under £100 for 4g. A bargain to be sure. Get it while it lasts…

cheers

id-iom

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Game over

Game over

Game over

It would seem that the despicable character that is Nathaniel Bobois has managed to make another appearance in one of our pictures. He’s just too much of a rogue not to paint. It’s hard to believe that he and the amazing Roche Bobois came from the same parents. So,  Nathaniel challenged the might of id-iom to a game of pool and that’s not the kind of offer we refuse. With Nathaniel preening and boasting around the pub we had a quick game of Paper, Scissors, Rock to see who would play him first.

I won and took to the table with a quiet determination. Meanwhile Nathaniel was still fannying about selecting a cue when I broke and took down three yellows to boot. Already on the back foot Nathaniel tried and failed to claw it back. I sunk the black about a minute after he took his first shot but he was not put off so with a volley of swearing he put down more money and challenged the other member of id-iom to another game. This went on till we’d cleared him out of the $150 he had. Don’t ask me why he had dollars on him but he did. It was money and we took it anyway. Here at id-iom we both feel a bit sorry – not for Nathaniel – but for his brother Roche because he’s just going to have to bail him out yet again…

Cheers

id-iom

Title: Game over
Materials: Paint pen, acrylic, screen print, watercolour and charcoal
Size: A2

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Semi Skimmed Bantha Milk

With the modest success of a few of our supermarket subversions recently my brain seems to have jumped onto the whole fake ad/culture jamming bandwagon and now it seems I can’t go to the shop without coming up with some new form of contrived nonsense. And today’s offering is a pretty good case in point.

A long time ago in a galaxy far away I was strutting the aisles of my local supermarket trying to locate something they undoubtedly didn’t have when my eye chances upon the full fat milk with the blue lid. And that was all I needed to connect blue and milk and come up with the blue milk from Star Wars called bantha milk. We even see Luke Skywalker pour himself a glass in Star Wars whilst he’s living with his aunt and uncle at their moisture farm in Tatooine.

That was all I needed in the way of a plan so went home and set to work. A couple of parsecs later and I had my label good to go – complete with interview with their sand person dairy farmer on Tatooine. All that was then required was a bottle of milk, some blue food dye and a fake price label and I was good to go.

I can already see the print and TV advertising that would go alongside this new miracle food with a tag line along the lines of “With a few glasses of semi-skimmed bantha in you a day you’ll be strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark in no time.” In fact, that’s given me an idea…

Cheers

id-iom

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Self service child minder unit

Bemoaning the lack of affordable local child care seems to be something of a popular pastime for many of the young mums I know so I’m glad to see that the local council has decided to do something about it. They’ve had a multi-departmental brainstorming session and the self service child minder units are their experimental outcome. Simply deposit your child in one of the marked units and then retrieve them after work. It’s as simple as that. And it’s free. Although it should be noted that overnight stays are prohibited. I, for one, applaud this brave new move in domestic frugality…

Cheers

id-iom

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Keep rolling

With the advent of legal cannabis in some US states and the legalise bandwagon gaining momentum in other a few other places internationally I thought I’d look ahead to a time when the UK has followed suit and id-iom have managed to get themselves a combined gallery/studio space/coffeeshop in London’s bustling West End.

In order to market to our new found clientele we’d need some handy marketing materials – which is where our little infographic cards would come in pretty handy. It’s an illustrated guide for beginners on how to go about crafting a small joint. On the reverse are a selection of id-iom approved advertisements which we hope would be of interest to our prospective patrons. There, I’ve got it all sorted – apart from what to actually do with them. I was initially thinking of getting them into the little pockets on the backs of airline seats but I only ever seem to travel Ryanair and they’ve removed the pockets. The cheap feckers.

If anyone can think of something fun we can do with them please do drop us a line as I can’t currently think of a suitable use for them. Which probably begs the question of why I created them in the first place but that’s not really for me to answer right now.

Cheers

id-iom

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Soylent Green – in store now!

Soylent Green – in store now!

Soylent Green – available now!

After being dispatched to our local corner shop to procure some Le Puy lentils for that evening’s curry I had reason to examine the dizzying array of canned food on offer in our local corner shop. Along with all the usual products they also have some particular goods that cater to the local Caribbean, Polish and Portuguese communities. It’s sometimes tricky to tell what some of the more exotic looking cans even contain. And that gave me an idea.

The 1973 film ‘Soylent Green’ starring Charlton Heston is set in a dystopian future where the earth is hugely overpopulated and there just isn’t enough food to go round. To try and solve this problem the Soylent corporation comes up with a new foodstuff called ‘Soylent Green’ which is ostensibly made from high energy plankton harvested from the world’s oceans. But that is not so, as we discover through Heston’s diligent detective work following a murder. He stumbles upon a bizarre state secret – that Soylent Green is made of people!

So, to celebrate both the incomprehensible range of cans on offer in our local shop and the 1973 film I came up with some Soylent Green cans for our local shop – complete with ingredients, nutrition information and cooking instructions. An internet search revealed that Polynesian cannibals used to call human flesh ‘longpig’ so I definitely had to include that (23% of the contents don’t you know!)

Cheers

id-iom

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Definite Immutability

Definite Immutability

Definite Immutability

Although for this picture we’ve gone for the slightly highbrow name of ‘Definite Immutability’ you wouldn’t know it to look at us that we even know such big words. But we do. Well, one of us does anyway. And I’m the one writing. Immutability is attribute of something which is not subject or susceptible to change. You might wonder why this woman has definite immutability. And you’d be right to wonder. But revealing the secrets of the Universe is not my job. I’m just here to do some pictures and write the nonsense that goes with them….

Cheers

id-iom

Title: Definite Immutability
Materials: Paint pen, watercolour, spray paint, acrylic, pencil, pastel and charcoal
Size: A4

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