There I was having a flick through today’s print copy of Time Out and what do I find at the bottom of one of the first pages you come across? This little beauty. A nice little feature on some of the pop culture based subversions that we’ve been depositing in our local shops. Surely that means fame and fortune will be knocking on our door some time soon. Oh wait, who’s that ringing my bell….
No, it was just the neighbour demanding I turn the music down. I could barely hear him shouting over the smooth sounds of Nana Mouskouri. He really needs to calm down a bit.
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Tesco’s Finest ‘spice’ Melange – in store now!
Tesco’s Finest ‘spice’ Melange label
If you’ve ever seen David Lynch’s 1984 film Dune (based on Frank Herbert’s 1965 novel of the same name) then you probably already know what Melange ‘spice’ is. In the film it’s a drug that has some particularly useful effects and one big downside. It gives the user a longer life span, greater vitaility, heightened awareness and psychic powers. Which is handy as it makes safe and accurate interstellar travel possible. The downside however is that it is addictive and withdrawal is fatal. All this has conspired to make it the most valuable commodity in the universe.
Never one to miss a trick Tesco’s have made a couple of intergalactic deals and got their hands on some of the good stuff. It’s harvested by hand on the desert planet Arrakis from the excretions of the highly dangerous giant sandworm. Tesco’s then ship it to earth and package it up in their Finest range for just under £100 for 4g. A bargain to be sure. Get it while it lasts…
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I was navigating the aisles of my local supermarket when, due to my girlfriend’s inability to make a quick decision, my eye was drawn to the flowery descriptions of some of their lower end wines. Phrases like ‘warming spice flavours’, ‘smooth finish’ and ‘floral notes’ seemed to litter the florid accounts of the wines’ supposed qualities. Now, it just so happens that wine is firmly on my banned substance list so I certainly wasn’t in the position to put these contrived claims to the test.
Instead I decided to get down with a bit of culture jamming and recreate the descriptions using my overactive imagination as a guide. I think what we’re left with is probably a more honest appraisal of the wine’s true character. I’d like to think these will go unnoticed by the staff until some eagle eyed customer decides to spoil my fun and brings it to their attention. Only time will tell…
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